Beckham So Excited About Move To LA, He Stops To Take a Dump

The soccer world is abuzz, all a titter, bouncing about like babies on speed. David Beckham, he of the spectacular corner kicks and not so spectacular perfume is coming to America. And not just so he can discuss the relative merits of Tom and Katie's new Thetan receptacle. He's coming to play sawker.

Beckham announced today he would be joining MLS franchise LA Galaxy in August when his current contract with Spain's Real Madrid runs out. The deal is reportedly worth $250 million. Rumour has it the Posh has long wanted a move to the USA even going so far as to hire a real estate agent to find the royal couple of white trash a suitably garish mansion. One that has real, tiger skin wallpaper and plaster-of-Paris busts of Greek gods that double as candleholders.

As a Toronto FC season ticket holder, it looks as though I may get to see Beckham play sometime in the late summer when the galaxy are due to visit Toronto for a game at BMO field. Although I may be able to sell my ticket for loads of cash and buy myself an army of Nintendo Wii's which I will play against one the other in a Darwinian experiment in which I hope to breed a Super Nintendo Wii that I can use for world domination.

Is this good business for the Galaxy and MLS? Is it good business for Beckham? Well Beckham will do all right. I'm sure he'll find something he can spend his millions on. And that $250 million doesn't include all the money he'd due to receive now that Real Madrid will no longer be entitled to 50% of his image rights. But the move will without a doubt put the final fancy nail in the fashionably designed coffin that holds any last lingering hope of Beckham getting a recall to the English team.

The LA Galaxy is one of the more successful teams in the MLS. They're backed by big money and regularly sell out their home ground, the unfortunately named Home Depot Center. And Beckham's arrival is sure to increase interest in a sport that doesn't really register for most North Americans. Toronto FC reported today that news of Beckham's arrival has caused at least 200 more people to purchase season tickets this morning. And Beckham is still only 32 and considering the level of skill in the MLS (somewhere between English division one – their third tier league – and mid table Premiership, depending on who you're talking to) he could be an impact player for a number of years.

It could be a boon for US soccer as well. Most Americans have heard of Beckham even if they'ved never seen him kick a ball. The media frenzy should last for a few games, at least. That may well be worth $250 million in publicity.

Not that you asked but I believe that in the long run the league needs to develop more young talent that will attract the attention of European clubs. The MLS doesn't want to become what the old NASL became and then went bankrupt: a retirement league for the stars of yester year. (That's what we have Bolton Wanderers for) If the MLS can help develop more players along the lines of Clinton Dempsey, a young American player who recently transferred to Fulham, and augment their teams with a few aging stars like Beckham and the recently retired French international Youri Djorkaeff, then the league may finally break free of its reputation as Mickey Mouse league …what's that? You say Disney wants to sponsor the MLS… ah bugger.

An Ode to the Dutch Master: Dennis Bergkamp

Dennis Bergkamp Chart
Originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Dennis Bergkamp will dazzle us for the last time Saturday as he plays in his last ever game, a game organized in his honor. The testimonial, which will feature the original Dutch master himself, Johann Cruyff, will be played in Arsenal’s brand new stadium, unfortunately named after an airline: Emirates Stadium.

Below you can watch what I consider to be one of Berg amp’s greatest goals. There have been many great goals. Bergkamp never really did ugly goals. Twice, 1998 and 2002, British journalists voted a Bergkamp goal as the goal of the season. The 2002 offering coming against Nicolas Dabizaz and Newcastle. Bergkamp knocked the ball to Dabisaz’s left, spun right and somehow met the ball perfectly behind the stunned Greek defender and calmly slotted the ball home.

But it’s wasn’t just his goals. Maybe even more important was his passing. One commentator used the term “majestical” to describe a Bergkamp pass. His vision and use of space was incredible. It was as if he could see a few seconds into the future and know exactly where a teammate would arrive and place the directly at their feet. He could split defenses with ease. It was all down to his inherit Dutchness, they would say. The Dutch knew how to use space, having reclaimed large parts of their country from the sea, and that translated well onto the pitches of Europe. Words cannot accurately describe a Bergkamp pass. I know that must sound odd, praising a man for his passing. But see the chart above, taken from the BBC’s website, which shows how much his passing accounted for Arsenal’s goals, let alone the goals themselves. Sure, as he got older and injuries imposed themselves on his skills, his influence waned. But the beauty and intelligence and icy calmness in front of goal remained.

Bergkamp’s arrival at Arsenal in 1998, coming from two unhappy years spent at Inter Milan, presaged Arsenal’s almost meteoric rise from “Boring, boring Arsenal” to one of the most fluent attacking sides in Europe. He was originally bought not by current manager Arsene Wenger but by Bruce Rioch, whom Wenger replaced. One could be mistaken for thinking Bergkamp was a Wenger signing as he possessed all the fluency, craft and technical ability Wenger would make synonymous with Arsenal.

Over the years we Arsenal supporters have often heard the tag the “next Bergkamp” applied to many players associated with Arsenal. Such has been his affect on the team and its fans. All my Arsenal jerseys bare his name. But there will never be a player quite like him. Not for Arsenal. And not for Holland, either.

Arsenal’s last home game against Wigan in May: Wenger brings on Bergkamp, a slightly peripheral figure for most of the year due to injuries and youth, into a game Arsenal lead 1 -0. The crowd in decked out in Bergkamp memorial jerseys. A lapse of concentration and with 15 minutes to go, and seconds after Bergkamp has come on, Wigan tie the game. Bergkamp’s swan song to Highbury and the faithful maybe upstaged, along with Arsenal’s hopes of qualifying for the Champions League.

Bergkamp takes a ball that was on the verge of going out of play, knocks it over to Pires who then hits in his own rebound to restore the league. Moments later Bergkamp gets the ball at the top of the box. And time seems to freeze. Similar moments from the past cycle through every Arsenal fans head as Bergkamp angles his body for the shot. And it’s a typical Bergkamp shot, if there is anything typical about Bergkamp, a curling shot to the far corner. Out of the reach of the keepers outstretched hands. Bergkamp’s last shot in anger for Arsenal. A quintessential Bergkamp moment. Just one of hundreds the great man has provided for us.

Note: If you can still find it, I believe it was Nike or Adidas who made these promos for the 1998 World Cup. It featured how player’s lives may have turned out if they had not taken up soccer. Bergkamp’s shows him working happily all day in a cheese factory. It’s quite humourous.

Why Relegation Might Be Good For Juventus

The verdict in the Italian match fixing scandal has been delayed till later this week to allow Italians a few more days to revel in their nations World Cup victory before the taint of corruption pulls them all back down to earth like gravity on a watermelon. But unlike smashed watermelon, the debris of this scandal wont taste as sweet. Though it will contain some grit. Or will it. Perhaps relegation is just what Italian football, and Juve in particular, need.

Juve stormed out of the gates last year, but by mid season were beginning to show signs of age. Patrick Vieira, Juve’s high profile signing from Arsenal, personified the teams’ struggles, scoring a few early goals and steam rolling opponents then tiring by mid season. Pavel Nedved struggled with injury. Ibrahimovic and Trezeguet seeming forgot how to play together. The team that had built it’s self a huge lead in Serie A and looked unbeatable early on was taken to school but the youth and vision of Arsenal’s team of youngster in the Champions League. Beaten by AC Milan, their main title challengers, who are also facing charges for match fixing, Juve were losing the plot. They limped to the finish line, drawing 8 consecutive games as they closed out their season. Only their meteoric beginning that saved them in the end, winning the league by three points, barely holding off AC Milan.

Rumour has it Juve have already made an deal with prosecutors to accept relegation to Serie B/ Teams around Europe are lignin up to pick at the carcass. Juve have asked some players to stay on, for reduced wages, then, upon promotion to Serie A, be recompensed with bonuses. Nedved and Del Pierro have apparently agreed to this, but others, like the hard working Zambrotta and Cannavaro, are already house hunting in Milan and Madrid, respectively. Juve hope to loan out other of their high-priced talent for the year, till they return to Serie A.

This may be just what Juve need. In the Champions League, Juve were made to look like a retirement home side by Arsenal. They were run ragged by Arsenal’s movement. They seemed unable to come up with a response. Divisions appeared in the team, Ibrahimovic taking and giving much stick from his teammates for selfish play. Trezeguet, usually only of any use in the six yard box, found the sea a hard target to find from the beach. AC Milan nearly caught them in the end. They looked like a team of over-priced, aging, ego consumed old men playing at being world-beaters.

Relegation may be the best thing to happen to Juve. Blood some youngster and benchwarmers that are probably more deserving of playing time. Build a squad from the ground up with youth and the mentoring of a few veterans. New manager, Didier Decamps, formerly of Monaco who surprised many by making the Champions league final two seasons ago, is known as a no nonsense type manager hired specifically for the purpose of charting a demoted Juve’s course through Serie B back to the top flight. If nothing else, relegation may rid Italy’s most successful team of its complacency. Perhaps not. At least it will rid them of the cheating … in theory.

HOPE ON HORIZON FOR THE SOCCER STARVED

Arsenal Pre-Season Training
Originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

It turns out that empty feeling inside wasn’t hunger after all. One roast beef on rye with some edemame on the side and I still feel empty. I think I miss my soccer already. All the excitement, anxiety, hope, despair and anger has now turned into a dull, empty yearning. Like a junkie I’ve had my fix and it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. Luckily the substance I’m addicted to isn’t proscribed or likely to kill me. And it’s supply seems endless.
First a few thoughts on this latest installment of the World Cup. Entertaining, yes. Best World Cup ever? I still think France 98 ranks as the best one so far. All the usual suspects showed up for the quarter final and onwards. Some of the results were unexpected but there were no World Shattering surprises. No Senegals or South Koreans this time. While not too many picked Italy to win, some still did. All the quarter finalists were past winners. And I still believe this was a tournament of great halves and not great games. Except for maybe the semi-final between Italy and Germany. And Holland vs Portugal was still the shame of the event. And everywhere you turned where cards, cards and more cards. Maybe FIFA needs to stop fiddling with the game and just let the refs call the game by the rules. Though I think video review for divers with subsequent suspensions (how effective is it to fine a millionaire?) is the right way to go for stamping out diving. Speaking of diving did any team do as much to turn off neutrals as Portugal?

For those of you suffering withdrawal, don’t despair. The European Championships are only two years away. Qualifying begins this fall. The European leagues begin in late August, early September and most teams have opened their training camps. And of course the transfer season will now pick up.Ronaldo is adamant he’s leaving Manchester united. So, it appears is Van nistelroy. Real Madrid have a new megalomaniacal president who seems to have learned nothing from his predecessor about throwing money around. Though Capello, formerly manager of soon to be in deep poop Juventus, should be better able to handle the egos at Real. Provided said president lets him manage the team instead of worrying about how team selection will affect the replica jersey sales. Keep an eye on the Italian Serie A. If one or more teams end up being relegated due to the math fixing scandal as many have predicted they will, there will be a player fire sale unprecedented in the history of the sport. What do I hear for a Buffon? Cannavaro, who needs a Cannavaro?
Arsenal play their first pre-season game Saturday July 15th .

My Favourite World Cup Goal

Dennis Bergkamp. Netherlands vs Argentina. World Cup 1998 quarter final. The game is tied 1-1 going into the 88th minute ...

Hey ZZ, Have You Heard My New Yo Momma Joke?

We still don't know what Materazzi said to Zidane. Though it apparently included the phrase: "Yo Momma". This comes from a feature called the Fiver on today's Guardian: "Some have suggested that the Italian insulted Zidane's mother. The Fiver wonders if Materrazi actually claimed to be Zizou's mother, which would explain why the midfielder sought satisfaction in his bosom."
And this from French Football magazine L'Equipe editor Claude Droussent in an open letter to Zidane: "I imagine that before you committed this irreparable, almost unforgivable act, Materazzi must have said the most terrible things to you, but it was a stupid end to your fabulous career. What legacy have you left our children? You must be very unhappy." Well, duh. Let's not forget Zidane has recieved 14 red cards in his career so it's not like he isn't used to it. Just how many yo momma jokes can one man hear in his life?

Zidane was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournaments best player. The award comes with a foam covered hat and neck brace to avoid injuries while using your head. As a battering ram.

And this, again, copied and pasted here word for word from the Fiver: "Swear to me that you are staying, swear it to me. If you leave, I'm going to kill you!" - Gennaro Gattuso finds a novel variation on 'pretty please' when he asks Marcello Lippi to stay on as Italy coach.

I Thought His Chest Was The Ball

So there you have it. Italy won and guess what? The game didn't suck. In fact it was a fairly thrilling encounter even if after half time the French dominated. People will look at Zidane's sending off as the turning point but I think France's refusal to take the game and Italians by the scruff of the neck is what cost them. France should have thrown on another striker early in the second half when it looked as though Italy were low on gas. Full credit to Gattuso and Canavarro who never tired and ran non-stop for most of the 120 minutes of football. All in all, it’s hard to argue with the result. While maybe not the best team at this World Cup you could argue they were the best-coached and perhaps the sturdiest team. And they kept the diving to a minimum. In fact, I think the French did more diving than the Italians. And what exactly did Materazzi say to Zidane that would make him temporarily loose all his sense? ‘Hey baldly?” He must be used to that by now. The shame that will hang over the game after all the flag waving and analysis have ended is that this generations greatest player’s last memory of his career will be trying to break a substitute defenders sternum with his head. His cumulative memories coming to an apex in a mist of red.

Zidane and the Oldies Toss Aside thier Walkers For One More Go

It’s the final no one expected or predicted, well except for the guy currently winning our soccer pool. Age won out over youth after many pundits, myself included, based on early results, declared age anathema to success, and youth as the key to victory. As Holland, Spain, and Argentina, the exemplars of jettisoning the old and bringing in the new at this tournament, crashed out. It’s like the senior citizens at this tournament, overhearing the grandkids taking their possessions and planning on how to dispose of the bodies, awoke from their narcoleptic slumber and fetched the shotgun from the under the bed. From my cold dead hands Zidane said as France dumped Spain out of the tournament. Zidane waving his double barrels of experience and not-yet exhausted talent in the faces of David Villa and Cesc Fabregas.
In all fairness, both Italy and France have mixed youth with experience. Beside the veterans from 1998, France line up Ribery, Malouda and Abidal. Italy’s strike force is made up of debutants: Toni and Gilardino. And look at the Czechs who fielded the oldest team in the tournament. Sent out in the first round.
Youth still had its place in the tournament. Podoloski of Germany won the best young player award of this World Cup. And his name, along with Fabregas, Rooney (if he can stay on the pitch long enough without killing someone) and Ronaldo Jr will in tournaments to come replace in our memories the performances of their forbearers. Grandfathers will make way for the sons. Unless global warming gets us all first.

Coboconk: Soccer Hotbed Of Cottage Country. Seriously

I was away at the cottage this weekend. But I wasn't about to let a snowy, three-channel reception with a rusty tower TV stop me from catching the World Cup. And I wasn't the only one. All it cost me was a breakfast for Missus Sour.
Coboconk, Ontario, sometime called Cobby-Conck or The Conck or just plain Place I Can’t Wait To Get Away From, located in the Kawartha Lakes area, home of the world's smallest jail and a crazy cult that was the inspiration for the movie Savage Messiah did not strike me as a soccer hot bed. And even though I had told Missus Sour quite clearly that nothing was to come between myself and my enjoyment of the Greatest Sporting Event In History (TM) I found myself in a car heading ... northeastish ... and in danger of missing the quarter finals.
If you're a city dweller like me than you think anyone who doesn't live in a city larger than, say, 2 million people, is probably a toothless, syphilitic hick who sleeps with his daughter and/or son, owns a small arsenal of weapons and thinks any game played with the hands is Communism. Well imagine my surprise as I entered the Pattie House, Coboconk's finest, and only, large public house. I'll tell you what I didn't find: fornicating families shooting pistols into the air watching Pat Robertson stoning adulterers on live TV. I was momentarily disappointed but quickly recovered. What I did see was a bar packed to the proverbial gills with soccer fans. I quickly peaked out the front window to see if maybe they'd been chased here by an army of incestuous inbreeds. All I saw were cars lining the street flying proudly the flags of either England or Portugal. Inside, the crowd wore either the white and red cross of Saint George to the maroon and green of Portugal.
Missus Sour only lasted the first half before she went off to busy herself with more noble pursuits, like talking the old veterans at the local legion down from 50 cents to a quarter on a used Sara Paretsky thriller. And buying a lovely new pair of earrings. And buying me a newspaper. She's a dear.
England had a number of chances in the second half but seemed slow and out of ideas. When Rooney was sent of for stomping on an opposing players gonads then shoving Manchester United teammate Ronaldo for some reason, it looked pretty bleak for the Queen's favourite team (probably, after the English National Polo team and the Red Coats). Only Owen Hargreaves (we claim him as our country even if he wont) showed 120 minutes plus of heart. Portugal won on penalties. The Portuguese cottagers went wild. The English fans shrugged. Inevitable, they might say. The English have now over taken the Dutch as the team most likely to loose a penalty shot out. The end of Erickson era ends possibly as it should. Not bad, but not great. Safe, mostly. England returns its footballing fate to the hands of an Englishman. I wonder how many Frenchmen have cottages in Coboconk?